Final: July 9
Italy 1-1 France
Italy win 5-3 in a PSO
2-1 ITALY (aet)
Both these clubs have reached this lofty position by virtue of at least one despicable act of 'simulation' (France vs. Spain) or completely shocking, blatantly bias refereeing (Italy vs. Australia). Fortunately Italy at least served penance through a brilliant Semi-final effort over Germany – a match in which Italian spirit and enterprise overcame truly overwhelming odds. Italy played like a team of major talent whereas France have never looked like a team, despite all their talent. France deserve nothing for their pitiful uncollective effort match after match, and Henry's mysterious head injuries, and for Zidane swan songs and similar crap. The fact that France are in the Final proves only one absurdly marvellous fact... that even shit teams can make it.
Let's just hope that Italy come out fighting 'cause they'll set the tone. If they hit the bag once early, France will simply have to play football, and not whatever it is they've been doing till now.
So it's the Azzurri to set the pace, have the last word and collect it's fourth World Cup title.

Consolation Final: July 8
Germany 3-1 Portugal

Semi-finals: July 4/5
Italy 2-0 Germany

France 1-0 Portugal
2-2 PORTUGAL (pso)
Bring your 10.0 scorecards to this one and expect some truly terrific simulation from a host of big-name players. There's certainly no shortage of talent yet there's also no shortage of cheating bastards who should know better. Unfortunately this will likely prove an ugly contest when it has the potential to be a beautiful display of attacking football. Expect the former but hope for the latter, then settle on penalty kicks

Quarter-finals:
Germany 1-1 Argentina

Italy 3-0 Ukraine
2-0 ITALY
Any self-respecting fan of this games knows that Australia would have rightfully won the Round of 16 match if not for the Spanish ref who gifted them a PK in the last five seconds of regulation time. And had that not happened I'd have had 7 of 8 picks correct (see below). But it did happen and Italy have cheated its way to the June 30 date with Ukraine and, God help us, they will prevail through the QF's most boring contest.

Portugal 0-0 England
Portugal win 3-1 in a PSO
3-2 ENGLAND
Just for a laugh FIFA is considering the Swiss idiot from Euro2004 to ref this one, and Campbell may yet again be denied a goal against Portugal! Regardless, England will prevail July 1 because as bloody shoddy as England's defence is, Portugal is currently a right old mess all over the park. And should Christiano Ronaldo play, and I hope he does, Cole will lick his lips and wrap him up for 90 minutes as he did so brilliantly in Portugal.

France 1-0 Brazil
3-2 BRAZIL (aet)
As were Australia, Spain were cheated out of date with Brazil, by shocking refereeing and blatant cheating by France's Henry (shades of Rivaldo 2002), which set up the winning goal in the Rd. of 16 clash. France didn't earn its QF date; Brazil did, and by that token, the football gods will smile on Ronaldinho, the man with the biggest smile in the game (not to be mistaken for Ronaldo, the Brazilian with the biggest girth in the game).

Round of 16:
Germany 2-0 Sweden

Argentina 2-1 Mexico
4-1 ARGENTINA
After the cleansing of Croatia, Argentina humiliated Holland despite the 0-0 tie. Only the football gods know why Argentina didn't hit the bag at least three times. So I'm afraid Mexico will prove the whipping boy during Argentina's tour to the Final, July 9.

England 1-0 Ecuador
2-1 ENGLAND
The man has no neck, he's built like a Churchill Battle Tank, he's as tenacious as a bulldog, and he will, through sheer talent and determination, offset England's horrifying defence by striking sheer terror into that of Ecuador. Meanwhile, Joe Cole – a man who's talent is rivalled only by his ego – will prove he's just as capable as Rooney of running till his heart explodes.

Portugal 1-0 Netherl.
2-1 PORTUGAL (aet)
This just isn't right. Seriously, both squads have proved unworthy of this opportunity. Netherlands are nowhere and have acquired more yellow cards than they have goals. Portugal can be awful to watch despite fielding some of the most talented mids and forwards in the game including Christiano Ronaldo, who could step over the Dutch all afternoon. Still, it's going drag into Extra-time to settle this one.

Italy 1-0 Australia (aet)
2-2 AUSTRALIA (pso)
Before Brazil found a second late goal, Australia should have found three. Brazil won't forget what the Aussies did that day regardless of scorelines, and you can be sure Croatia were taught a lesson they weren't ready for either. Italy have proved not nearly as dramatic as 2002 but almost as annoying, and they certainly don't deserve a Quarter-final as much as Australia has earned one. In the end, Italy will offer all the drama they need to sustain the trash and tumble of the next four years, with a brilliant PK loss.

Ukraine 0-0 Switz.
Ukraine win 3-0 in a PSO
2-2 SWITZERLAND (pso)
The unlikely entertainers will provide a calamatous goalfest that will somewhat offset the 'I just don't give a !@#$' disposition of most viewers. It's just a damned shame TSN isn't broadcasting this one early, rather than the Barbequed Italian sausage affair.

Brazil 3-0 Ghana
3-0 BRAZIL
OK, I think you and I both know Ghana are going no further. All we can really ask of them is that slow Brazil down! It's sort of like stopping the Borg however, if they play to win, leave it all on the field and all that nonsense, they just might tire the Dancing O Boys, maybe suck them into a few yellow cards and maybe kick one to many shins too hard one too many times. hey maaan... desperate times!

France 3-1 Spain
3-1 FRANCE
Oh make it stop, please God make it stop! FIFA should have some sort of rule that makes it impossible for two so utterly underserving teams to meet outside of Group play. At the end of 90 God-foresaken minutes France will in fact have spanked Spain, not because France is that good but rather Spain is that bad. This would be a good time to catch up on visiting the in-laws, cleaning the bathroom etc etc.

GROUP ROUND RESULTS
Group Rd. 1st Leg:
Germany 4-2 Costa Rica

Ecuador 2-0 Poland
England 1-0 Paraguay

T&T 0-0 Sweden

Argentina 2-1 Cote d'lv.

Netherl. 1-0 Serbia & M
Mexico 3-1 Iran

Portugal 1-0 Angola

Italy 2-0 Ghana

Czech Rep. 3-0 USA
Brazil 1-0 Croatia

Australia 3-1 Japan

France 0-0 Switzerland
Korea Rep. 2-1 Togo

Spain 4-0 Ukraine
S.Arabia 1-1 Tunisia

Group Rd. 2nd Leg:
Germany 1-0 Poland
Ecuador 3-0 Costa Rica
England 2-0 T&T
Sweden 1-0 Paraguay
Argentina 6-0 Serbia & M
Netherl. 2-1 Cote d'lv.
Mexico 0-0 Angola
Portugal 2-0 Iran
Ghana 2-0 Czech Rep.
Italy 1-1 USA
Japan 0-0 Croatia
Brazil 2-0 Australia
Korea Rep. 1-1 France
Switzerland 2-0 Togo
Ukraine 4-0 S. Arabia
Spain 3-1 Tunisia

Group Rd. 3rd Leg:
Germany 3-0 Ecuador
Poland 2-1 Costa Rica
England 2-2 Sweden
Paraguay 2-0 T&T
Iran 1-1 Angola
Portugal 2-1 Mexico
Argentina 0-0 Netherl.
Cote d'I. 3-2 Serbia & M
Italy 2-0 Czech Rep.
Ghana 2-1 USA
Brazil 4-1 Japan
Australia 2-2 Croatia
Ukraine 1-0 Tunisia
Spain 1-0 S. Arabia
Togo 0-2 France
Switzerl. 2-0 Korea Rep.